I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
