Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
