Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
