you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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