Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
