Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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