There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
