***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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