I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
