I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
