A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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