I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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