It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Four minutes until I can fart!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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