happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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