ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
