remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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