Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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