She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
