we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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