I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
