The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
