Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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