Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
