I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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