I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
