it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You may now shotgun with the bride
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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