remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
