I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
