Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
