Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
