My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
