If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
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