then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
