Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It's shark week go big or go home
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
