dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
