Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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