the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
