hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
