i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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