You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
