Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Randomize
