please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
