If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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