Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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