"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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