it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
