today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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