we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
