I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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