When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
