i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
