the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
