i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
