dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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