apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
