If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize