She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
